Remember coming back to school from summer vacation in early years and writing an essay about what you did that summer? Even though its not over, and may yet get bad again, I decided to put down “on paper” my pandemic experience. In large part, I’ve chosen to share my experiences because while I believe they were not unusual, I’m changed by some of the things I learned about myself, not to mention the effect the pandemic had on my mental health.

Fully vaccinated & past my waiting period, on May 8, 2021, I did something I hadn’t done in 14 months – attend a studio yoga class. I tried to use yoga as my anchor during the pandemic, like so many yogis in the world. I didn’t, I couldn’t. I made a lot of excuses but I had almost an angry reaction – yoga made me long for the real world – for the studio, community, passing tips with other teachers, talking to students, participating in teacher training, preparing for or taking workshops, tea with friends after class. I just couldn’t make it happen during the pandemic. That made me and continues to make me angry and upset with myself. We are our own harshest critics.

I eventually did ok with meditation, with the physical practice and study I made excuses: it bothered my neck & shoulder, I needed a teacher to help, I blah blah blah. I just couldn’t do much more than stretch and take a few movements before I’d stop. I couldn’t focus long enough to read anything meaningful, anything that really required my attention.

So what did I spend my pandemic doing? Walking. Watching Netflix, Disney+, Amazon Prime, etc. etc. I taught myself how to crochet. I crocheted alot, LOL. I cooked complicated, often delicious dinners – or we ordered out. There was no in-between. I Tweeted, barely Instagram’d and didn’t miss Facebook a whit nor a jot. For a period of time my husband and I did a podcast. I was obsessed with Hamilton and as I am inclined to do, I read many books about Hamilton and the other founding fathers. I realized that I may not have been explicitly taught that Washington was a slave owner, an aggressive one at that. I became the obnoxious person that said “Well, Angelica was several years into her marriage when she met Hamilton, there was never any chance they would marry.”

I didn’t blog. I tried to watch sports but it was hard. Just couldn’t focus. I did enjoy the NBA bubble and games at 3 p.m.

I am an empathetic, sensitive person. 2016 to 2020 were very difficult. Watching the news every day, seeing U.S. democracy getting closer to the edge – my stomach hurt A LOT of the time, I lost my appetite and had very little energy, which I put down to not eating enough. For some reason I haven’t yet worked through, checking my emails spikes my anxiety to the point where I put it off until I’m practically crying. Something else to improve.

By the time the pandemic rolled around, I had been experiencing increased panic/anxiety attacks; by July, 2020, I was in therapy. I’m a pretty upbeat person. During the pandemic I got depressed. There were days where I slept, telling myself I should sleep while I could. I smoked a lot of medical marijuana, didn’t have the energy to even run the vaccuum. I would force myself to do things but my heart wasn’t in it. Started many projects that I didn’t finish. Stayed up odd hours. I wasn’t me and I was so scared and nervous.

We did go away a few times – to visit our daughter, SIL and grandson and to Sanibel Island. I had to get away from my couch, the living room. We have a hotel on Sanibel we’ve gone to forever that we trust. We don’t mix with people while we’re there. We both felt safe, cocooned, even. We spent one amazing, windy and overcast day on the beach, under blankets, reading and watching the clouds skitter around. It felt incredibly indulgent after months of Netflix on the couch. Eddie was very much my support throughout the pandemic and I hope I was his. We were lucky that we never really got sick of one another. For some hours, sure. For a day or days on end – no. We worked really hard at it, not to mention working hard at recognizing when we were getting close to a line, which can be more important than crossing it. I learned a lot about my relationships during the pandemic.

I’d been using Instacart prior to the pandemic, shopping was hard on my spine & frankly, I despise Publix. For awhile in April, 2020, you had to plan groceries. Instead of the two-hour delivery window I was used to, it was more like 2-3 days. We hit up Target and Amazon for toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, etc. We realized recently that we’ve become a delivery household, we have so few errands we run now.

I had quit Facebook in August of 2019, wanting to be healthy for my surgery. Facebook wasn’t a healthy place for me. Between the stalkers wanting to show me how they could have sex with me telepathically, the mansplainers and other issues, I don’t miss Facebook. Instagram was for yoga advertising. I found so much love & support from my Twitter mutuals, I’ve just not had bad experiences on Twitter. I’ve made real friends on Twitter who will be in my life for a long time.

I’ve found so many friends on Twitter. All sizes, shapes, colors, genders, religions, nationalities, more Eagles’ fans (lots of women Eagles’ fans, which makes me SO happy!) I fell into “trans twitter” because of authors I followed from the Kinja platforms (Deadspin, Gawker, Jezebel, etc.). Although I had LGBTQIA friends and had worked with Free Mom Hugs and other local groups, I was hesitant to make friends with non-celebrity LGBTQIA Twitters. I didn’t want to be a creepy cis person. So many stories tugged at my heart. Then I met Amy, who is a great Twitter matchmaker as far as friends (“You’ll really like so-and-so. Make friends with them & I’ll tell them about you”) and my guiding light. I began commenting and making friends and my life is so much richer. The support I’ve received (and hopefully given) to my Twitter friends during the pandemic was vital. Twitter was about all my attention span could focus. I could and did delete MSM from my Twitter at various times. I can control my Twitter world.

My work with Impact the Palm Beaches kept my mind active and gave me hard deadlines that I had to deal with, not to mention forced me to routinely check my email and put on a bra. For those who don’t know, Impact the Palm Beaches is a group of 200+ women who put together money to fund high-impact grants to non-profit agencies in our community. I have been a member of the Grants Committee for several years and co-chair for two years. Its a lot of work and I love it. Early in treatment, my therapist told me to hang a white board where I could see it and each week or month, write out my schedule on the white board, giving me things to look forward to and letting me know I wasn’t just a lump on the couch. For many months, Impact is what filled my schedule, thank goodness.

Other than the year my father died, my mental health has never been as precarious as it was in 2020 and early 2021. In retrospect, I can see the depression and can feel the difference. Reframing didn’t always feel helpful but I kept working at it. It wasn’t until the vaccine that I felt things really changing. Since I was fully vaccinated and past the waiting period, there have been many moments of recognition, many moments of shedding a layer, of feeling more open and free. Of course there’s still so many stressors involved with the virus and the pandemic, its not difficult to slip back into the darkness.

I’m here. I’m doing ok. Like many of you, the pandemic changed me. I never really realized how much maintenance my mental health required. I’m trying to keep up with it. I know my symptoms of depression now. My anxiety/panic attacks have improved. I don’t cry through every therapy sessions anymore. I recognize how lucky we are: while my nephew and his family caught Covid, they did ok and are fine now, and that was it for our family. People I knew died of Covid. People I know lost their jobs and homes, cars and credit ratings. We just had to get through and I think we have. I think we’ll be okay.

I hope you made it through the pandemic safely and intact. xoxo

I co-taught a workshop on disturbed sleep recently.  Since then I continue to run into people everywhere – at the studio, at charity events, on social media – everywhere I go, I find people who can’t sleep.

Whether you can’t fall alseep or can’t stay asleep or both.  Whether you stay awake, wide eyed and staring at the tv or computer screen or whether you lie in bed and watch the time pass slooooowly throughout the night … there are things to do.  Lots of things to try.

Insomnia is so frustrating to deal with in large part because you can do the exact same thing three nights in a row and get three different results. Try everything, attempt to keep your frustrations at bay and keep note of what works. You do need to be patient and  you may have to change your night-time rituals.  I’ve provided quite a few options because I don’t know you or what resonates with you, so pick and choose what sounds good and experiment.

Here’s the thing – we aren’t striving for perfection when we are striving for sleep.  With the breathing and meditation don’t sweat the instructions too much. If something you’re trying to do to sleep becomes a frustration its not going to help.  You can also reach out to me with questions about this blog.

Some things are obvious, but I repeat them because its amazing what people (including myself) forget when they need it most:

• Cut out caffeine after noon and sugar after 7. Avoid or cut out alcohol.
• You may need to adjust when you are taking prescription medications, OTC medications and/or supplements.  Meds and supplements that make you sleepy might be moved towards evening, for instance.
• Regular exercise but no elevated heart level prior to trying to sleep.  I suggest some form of cardio during the day – walking the dog at a decent pace is fine.  You just need to elevate the heart rate.  In the evening, try a couple of gentle/restorative yoga poses or stretching along with breathing.
• Put down your electronics. In part, the blue light of your electronics is disruptive to sleep, melatonin production and your circadian rhythm.  The engagements of the news and social media can keep us agitated.  We need to disengage before bed, preferably at least an hour away from our pads, computers, etc.
• When you can’t fall asleep, get up and move around. Do something relaxing – breathe, meditate, read a (real) book.  If you can, have pillows ready for a restorative yoga pose if you need it in the night.
• Try essential oils and acupuncture; warm baths or swimming if they are appealing; relaxing music or nature sounds either before or as you fall asleep; legs up the wall for 5-20 minutes with deep breathing (instructions below).

So how do we try to get to a place where we can fall asleep and stay asleep long enough to feel rested in the morning?  Here’s some ideas:

Breathing & meditation:  I cannot recommend meditation and deep breathing enough for disturbed sleep. Deep breathing helps engage your parasympathetic nervous system and meditation is just everything for relaxing and calming the mind and body. I specifically recommend “yoga nidra” (yogic sleep) and progressive relaxation. If you don’t know what these are or how to do them, that’s ok.  There are many different options to get these meditations:  CDs, downloads, YouTube, apps, teachers.  Find a voice and a length of meditation that suits you and go for it.  There is a lot of information out there and if you’d like some specific recommendations, please let me know.

As to regular meditation, again – apps will help. I know the most about Insight Timer because I use it.  There are meditations that are as short as 2 minutes. If you have a difficult time sitting still and focusing but you’re interested, start small and do several meditations a day, including in the evening.  You may find that your ability to sit increases.  The more you learn to relax the mind and body the more you can invoke it when you need it.

Deep Breathing: I suggested these two breathing exercises. Both are meant to keep the mind focused while you invoke the parasympathetic nervous system. Keep in mind “deep breathing” doesn’t mean “breathe so hard that you get dizzy & feel high”. If that happens, back off – you’re working too hard.

Breath #1 – fake alternate nostril breath. This sounds more complicated than it is, eventually you’ll recognize its a pattern that keeps the mind engaged. To begin, inhale & exhale. Bring your focus to the spot between your eyebrows, relaxing the eyebrows away from one another. With your next inhale, pretend you are only inhaling up the right nostril to the eyebrow spot. Exhale and imagine you are only exhaling through the left nostril. Inhale, imagining its only the left nostril, exhale from between the eyebrows down the right nostril. Keep going as long as it serves you, it will eventually balance you and calm you.

Breath #2 – Counting the breath. Inhale through your nostrils breathing into the belly (belly rises on inhale & falls on exhale). Inhale to the count of 2-4 – retain the breath for 1 count – exhale double the inhale, so 4-8. Keep following the breath. Inhale and count to 2 to 4 without too much effort or strain – hold at the top of the inhale for a count of 1 to 2 – exhale doubling the inhale.

Restorative Yoga: If you can do a really easy, gentle type of yoga that involves pillows & no effort this helps so much. Judith Lasater created Restorative Yoga to help us slow down and relax. The idea is to stay in a pose long enough for your tissues to really relax. I’m going to give you two poses to try & if they work – yay! If not, there are many restorative poses that you can look up (or ask me).

Legs up the wall – can be tricky to get into but this pose helps everything from sleeplessness to menstrual cramps to migraines.  Bring your right hip up close to the wall, feet to floor. Bring hands behind you and rotate your legs up the wall. Scooch your hips as close to the wall as is possible and let your legs relax against the wall. Bring your arms into a comfortable position along side the body, palms up or down, or into a cactus position.  You can use blankets or small pillows to rest your arms upon as well as a blanket folded up under your neck to support your head.  Find that sweet spot and focus on your breath.  Practice whichever breath resonates with you.  Hold this pose anywhere from 3 minutes to 20 minutes.

Supported Child’s Pose – Come to hands and knees, then bring enough bolsters, blankets and pillows under you to support the body. Inhale with hands to floor, arms beside your prepared props and exhale, drag hips back to heels and let the torso drape over the props. Let your head and neck be completely supported by the props as you rest and breathe deeply.  Get 100% comfortable.  If the hips don’t come to the heels, or if you want the comfort, place a pillow or rolled up blanket across the heels where the hips will rest.  Practice whichever breath resonates with you.  Hold pose for 3-5 minutes.

Essential Oils:  If you can use essential oils they can help a great deal.  Don’t go crazy using alot, just a few drops will do the trick.  I am not an expert in oils and am recommending oils that have worked for me, including a couple of new ones for my tool-box.  There is a lot of information out there about oils and insomnia that you can research as well.

I diffuse oils and will use them topically in a carrier.  For a very long time, I used ylang-ylang, lavender and cypress – sometimes separately, sometimes together.  Sometimes I would diffuse lavender and massage my feet with ylang-ylang and cypress.

Recently I’ve found that they had lost their effectiveness so I tried wild orange and geranium.  Both have been amazing.  Both are pungent – be careful about how much you use.  What I did was diffuse the wild orange throughout the evening and massaged the geranium (in coconut oil or topical CBD) into my feet and lower legs.

This leads me to something I do a lot when I’m in a cycle of insomnia.  I massage my feet with oils.  There are people who know why this works, all I can tell you is that is works more often than not.  Even if you don’t use essential oils, use some sort of lotion or oil.  Start with fingers between toes and gently wiggle some space in there.  Get into your arches, the ball of the foot, the heels, up toward the shins.  Massage the toes separately and linger at the toenails, apply pressure to each individual toenail.  Don’t necessarily vigorously pull at or crack your toes, do apply pressure and actually massage your feet.  Put on a pair of socks when you’re done.  If you can, lay so your feet are elevated for some time afterwards.

After a hectic day it can be difficult to suddenly turn off your mind and go to sleep. Now we have the additional layer of electronics engaging our minds, affecting our eyes and giving us “electronic insomnia”.  Some of us are not natural night sleepers or we take a medication that affects our sleep.

For women, peri-menopause brings or intensifies insomnia. According to many sources, women are at least twice as likely to have insomnia as men.

Unfortunately there is no one-size-fits-all, easy solution to insomnia. Fewer people than you would think have success with sleeping pills or a “cure” only lasts for a short time  without breaking the cycle. Over the counter sleeping aids are often antihistamines which can trigger other issues.  Once insomnia becomes a frequent companion, develop an evolved sleep ritual.

Dealing with insomnia is a long-term problem and the solutions may change from night-to-night.  Good luck and good night’s rest to you!

I have been harassed and touched inappropriately in the workplace.  Several jobs, actually.   Last year, after Trump made his “lockerroom” (a-hem) remarks, I participated in a Palm Beach Post article about harassment and it was so stunningly sad to see how many women go through this.  Just as the #MeToo movement has destroyed a part of me.  I’m 55, so many things have changed.  Not. This.

There’s so much to be said about this topic.  I want to relate two specific points of my own experience.

What Mayim Bialik said struck me deeply.  As I said, I was harassed at more than one job.  Why?  What was it about me that was causing my bosses, or men I worked with, to think it was ok to touch me, talk about me inappropriately, talk to me inappropriately.  If I walked by a cluster of attorneys, did they think I was deaf and didn’t hear what they said when I walked past them?  Was I dressing in a way to invite it? I’m an open, often happy person – was that coming off as flirty or inviting? At the time it never occurred to me that they were in the wrong, it clearly had to be something about me that invited unwanted attention.

I have been a single mother for over 30 years.  At the time period I’m describing, I had to work and every dollar counted.  No child support, no family nearby, no real savings.  So I learned to tolerate a certain amount of abuse and harassment because that was how you kept your job.  You put up with being demeaned to leave the job, go home to your family and try not to bring the detritus home.

This one particular attorney (Attorney A) I only worked for briefly, less than six months.  Eventually I was able to drop him from my resume altogether.  I left with a job in hand despite the difficulty in explaining to interviewers why I needed to leave this job after such a short stint.  What I would have really liked to tell them was this:

• He constantly commented on how he wanted me to dress – higher heels, silkier fabrics, more dresses.
• I would sometimes return to my desk to find Attorney A straddling my chair backwards, demanding a shoulder massage.  I refused and made excuses (“you know we have this deadline”).  After the 3rd or 4th time I went to the office manager and told her what was happening.  A few days later one of the other partners called me into his office.  I was sweating bullets because I was sure I was going to be fired for “telling on” my boss.  The partner apologized for Attorney A’s  behavior and for any times that he may have made me uncomfortable.  At the time it felt like enough, but later I realized that while he apologized, he never said it would stop.  And surely it didn’t.
• Randomly trying to touch my legs or walking down the hallway Attorney A might brush his hand against me “oh excuse me”.
• Telling me I should use his trainer because he could work miracles with my body (which mostly made me laugh, at the time I was lucky if I had $20 after paying bills).
• Saying goodbye to clients, Attorney A would sometimes put his arm around me – up to my sideboob.  Pretty sure some of the female clients knew, not only because I pulled away; I can’t help but wonder how many female clients he treated this way.
• These are just some of the things he did. There are things I’ve buried and forgotten.  There’s attitudes and tones of voice and the like that are difficult to describe with words.  Here’s what finally made me start interviewing for other jobs:
• I’m on a stepstool in the kitchen area, getting some supplies down.  Suddenly someone is gripping my butt firmly with his thumbs moving.  I screamed “What the fuck are you doing?” and Attorney A squeezed my butt one more time and said “I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t fall”.  That was that.  I printed out my resume and started interviewing.  Eventually, because it had been such a short period of employment, I was able to drop him from my resume altogether.

With this job change I moved into personal injury and eventually family law.  I moved outside of the circle of Attorney A.  I heard at one point that he had been suspended by the Bar and it had to do with real estate transactions/funds.  I’m not even sure the Florida Bar punishes attorneys for harassment.

Later I heard he’d had bad health problems and had retired.

Fast forward to about 3-4 years ago.  I was a certified paralegal as well as an E-RYT200 certified yoga teacher.  At the time I taught group classes at a studio and I took most of my classes there.  One Saturday I walk in to take class and go to sign in, I’m in a fine mood because hello, yoga!  I’m signing in and chatting with the studio owner/my boss and I freeze.  ATTORNEY A WAS SIGNED IN TO THAT CLASS. My stomach immediately hurt and I started sweating.  I went in anyway, determined not to let that man impact one more second of my life.

Attorney A had obviously had some terrible health problems.  He was a husk of himself.  He did not recognize me.  I set up as far away from him as I could without being able to see him.  I could feel him anyway.  I could feel his energy and I had a difficult time focusing on class.  I left the room quickly and was preparing to leave when I saw Attorney A talking to the owner, who was talking about a class I taught and how good it would be for him.

GULP

I called her later and explained.  I realized there was nothing I could do about him attending a public group class at a studio, but if she could steer him away from me, please do.  I also asked her to be careful if he asked for private training because even diminished, he terrified me.

Yes, he came to my class.  I had that same experience of nausea and sweating.  He still did not recognize me, and that helped.  I took a longer time than usual centering at the beginning of class, which was mostly for my own benefit.  As I started teaching and interacting with my regulars, I began to feel more comfortable.  I still could not go near Attorney A.  I still could feel his energy even when I couldn’t see him.  I got through the class and felt like I had gone waaaaay outside my comfort zone.

How did I feel?  I did not confront him for the things he’d done – given his health issues, I had no idea what he remembered.  It was hard not to feel some sympathy for him.  Attorney A had always been vain, well-groomed & dressed and worked out routinely.

Despite the fact that I was in a roomful of people with him both times I was still scared.  A whole lot of uncomfortable memories and moments surfaced.  I started to wonder …. was I scared of him, the memories he’d caused to surface, or my own shame and embarrassment. My guilt that I didn’t do anything other than tell the office manager what he was doing.

Aside from the fact that I am terribly saddened and depressed to see how many women younger than me, how many generations of women are still subjected to this treatment and worse, aside from all that I intend to spend time working on my own feelings.  #MeToo has made me realize that there are many things I still need to face from my past and that when a person abuses you, its really hard not to continue to be in fear of them.

As often happens, this morning one of my friends posted something on Facebook that was provocative.  It caught my eye and as I started reading the statistics it was a little suffocating.

So this fine, fine morning, my husband and I had a little adventure …

September 10, 2016 Eddie:  It was a quiet Saturday morning.  But for a few errands, the major agenda item for the weekend was relaxation.  Jacquie was getting excited for the first real weekend of …

Source: This Morning’s Adventure…

One recent morning I found myself with an extra hour.  I generally meditate at night, which is strictly schedule driven.  Given my druthers I would rather begin my day with meditation at sunrise.  We do what we can.

This particular morning I decided to meditate.  Were there socks to be paired and other chores to be done?  But of course!  The socks will be there this afternoon.  We do what we can.

I have been using the same meditation for about three weeks now.  In order to build my practice, I have been working towards a specific goal.  Some days my practice is perfunctory and while I might find myself drawn in, I just as often find myself sitting for 10 or 15 minutes.

Whether it was because it was just before sunrise, or because the dogs were quiet, or because I remembered to use my nose oil, I found myself wanting to lose myself in myself this morning.  It felt like I had some work to do.  I practice with headphones.  I had them on and walked across the floor to get the nose oil.  The sound of my footsteps was incredibly heavy.  THUD, THUD, THUD …. like a heartbeat that would scare you if you heard it in your ears, the sound of my footsteps was wrong.  Shouldn’t there be more lightness to my step?  If my footsteps are this heavy, well, then shouldn’t I feel more grounded?  Because although I was feeling heavy, there was no grounding.

That became the theme of my meditation, finding the lightness and light.  I had a hard time.  I focused on bringing lightness to my breath, not forcing it, watching the breath pass by until it was slow and calm.  Moving to the body, I brought the lightness into my seat, my limbs, my head.  Turning off my inner dialogue was a challenge.  I was narrating my meditation.  Talking to myself.  I just cannot be quiet!  Oh dear, I think that’s the key word:  quiet.  When I teach I find myself filling empty spaces with word.  I apparently do the same thing in my meditation practice.  I focused more on my practice and the spaces between my inner dialogue got longer.  I was in the quiet.

As my practice progressed, the light, the fire began to build in my belly.  It built until I felt and saw it move up into my body level by level.  There was palpable energy, my fingers were tingling.  As I worked to bring the light back down into my belly and contain it, a little golden burst of light at midbrain with the word “TRUST”.

My teachers like to offer a word of advice before practice, it is a part of their lineage.  Frequently, that word is “trust”.  Trust in yourself.  Trust in the practice.  Trust that you will know what’s right.

As I focused on the light, I meditated on trust.  It begins and ends with me.  If I don’t trust myself, I can meditate until the chickens roost and the cows come home, and there will be no progress.  If I don’t trust myself, how can I handle the decisions, big and small, that punctuate our lives?  It seems it would be impossible to trust in your personal relationships if you don’t trust yourself.

Meditating has always been difficult for me.  Changing the type of yoga I’ve been practicing has shifted the space in my body.  Parayoga emphasizes a home practice including meditation.  The change to my new practice helped shift space in my body.  My posture shifted. The arthritis in my neck and shoulder have been quiet recently. I feel better, finally recovered from the second surgery.  Meditating frequently had also begun to shift and clear some of the crud that creates weight on the soul.

As I practiced at home more and more frequently, I hit that first rough patch.  Feeling tired, didn’t want to practice, my back hurt, too busy …. I made every argument with myself and won from time to time.  Recently I’ve been sitting even if I am just holding space those days.  Even that is progress.   We do what we can, and try not to beat ourselves up even when the negative voice within wins out.

I have a relationship with my home practice now.  It is becoming the foundation upon which I build my day.  Throughout these past few months as this relationship developed there was a clear and definite honeymoon phase.  Its gotten bumpier recently and I am working through it.

I am poking at some uncomfortable places within.  I am uncovering samkaras that I did not know existed sometimes it surprises me and oftentimes it scares me.  But its me, and I am going to keep sitting and following the light and hopefully one day I will know what it means.

But I think the light means me.  I think the light within is the light that is all of us.  And the light within me bows and honors the light within you.